notconflicted | A bar on the mainland- Tuesday night

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A bar on the mainland- Tuesday night

Sia wasn't entirely sure it was the best thing for her to be here, and not just because she was worried about taking a night off from her nonstop terrible job for once. It was just that she and Atton had not had a great year, relationshipwise, and then there'd been an added depression-inducing complication with terrible timing when Sia already wasn't sure how to navigate things yet. She didn't like feeling unsure.

But she was deciding that was background. They were friends, and she worried about him, and she was at least a reason to get him out. Off island, even, to a bar they'd been to before, where Sia asked, "Are you going to roll your eyes if I ask you what I'm drinking tonight?"

[For Atton!]

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"You can will a lot into existence, Si, I know, I've seen you do it," Atton said, raising his glass. "But you can't will me into being someone I'm not."

"All I want is for you to feel like yourself," Sia frowned. "This isn't the first time in you've said something like that. What is it you think I expect you to be?"

"This is me," Atton said, resisting the urge to lower his voice. "A damaged disaster area. Haven't you been paying attention?"

You probably shouldn't drink a margarita that way.

"Yes, after the way you treated me this year I've clearly been idealizing you," Sia said evenly.

"Who said anything about idealizing?" Atton said, blinking at her. "I mean, was this your big plan for tonight? Take me to a bar, tell me I'm letting everybody down because I can't Force-throw myself into being the functional human being I haven't been in years, and then make me feel guilty about the past year? Because you could've just skipped ahead to the last part and saved yourself some time."

"You're the one telling me I'm not seeing you as a disaster area, Atton. I never said you're letting anyone down, because you aren't," she told him. "You're worrying me, that's different. And I know you can be a functional human being because I've seen it, and then i apparently messed that up, and I don't know what to do about any of it."

Maybe a little more honest than she wanted to be.

Another blink.

And then a laugh. It wasn't joyous.

"You saw me as a functional Jedi," he said. "I haven't been a functional human being since I was 17."

"So that's why you came to help me? Because you're a Jedi?" she asked. "When you were the person I counted on as much as myself, was that some semi-official capacity?"

"I came because I consider you a friend, I held it together while I was there because it is my job to hold it together in wartime," Atton said. "Not because I'm a stable person who's good at keeping it together in his daily life, space, Sia, how long have you known me?"

That was honestly maybe the second most disappointing answer he could have given.

"Apparently not long enough," she said, going fur her drink.

"I'm very good at shooting people, cracking wise, and pretending to keep it together," Atton said slowly, and yeah, felt like he'd let her down, but also felt like there was no way he could live up to whatever it was she wanted. "Beyond that, to borrow an Earth phrase, I'm shit."

Well. She definitely regretted sleeping with him more now.

But she still shook her head. "No, you're not."

Atton really wondered what about him doing his best to help her out and have her back had made her believe that he'd magically stopped being a big pile of issues. As if the two were mutually exclusive in her world, or something.

"I need a drink," he said abruptly, rising from his seat.

"And there's the running away instinct," she said.

"What exactly do you want from me here, Marasiah?" Atton asked, pausing on his way out from the table. "You want me to sit here and nod along and say, oh, I'm sorry you're all so worried, and yes, you're right, I'm one of the good ones after all, and I can get better, because I know at heart I'm a stable, virtuous lunk like your ex-boyfriend with some decorative rough edges. I'm just having a bad patch of self esteem right now, thanks for making me feel better?"

He looked back at her. "That'd fit nicely into your world, right? It's neat and tidy."

If she was getting the full name, then this was a different kind of mad than what she was used to.

"And you obviously don't know what my world is these days," Sia said calmly. "I'd like you to just listen to me, for one minute."

Atton threw his hands up.

"Fine."

She silently gestured for him to sit, since she didn't want to say this to someone who would storm off in the middle of it.

Atton still wanted a drink.

But he sank back into his chair with a sigh.

"Friends without second-guessing, right?" she said, remembering that part from the last time they'd had A Talk.

"I know you have issues. I've known that since high school. I'm maybe only beginning to understand how deep they are, all right. Maybe I have compared you to Antares in the past, and it helped show me why he and I weren't going to work. Because regardless of your reasoning, you were there for me, unselfishly, when I needed you. Because issues or no, you're the one who had to choose who you were going to help over New Year's. Because you did become a good Jedi who sat with me after my father died and you watch over Sparkle, and that's what I see when I look at you. It's why I love you, as a friend. That doesn't make the issues go away, iit doesn't mean you haven't done bad things, t doesn't mean you don't have a hell of a lot of flaws. But the issues and flaws don't mean the rest isn't true, either."

"So first of all," Atton said, slowly, digesting that, "I still came and stayed for you, not because the Force told me to or something, if that's what you thought I was saying."

He needed a moment to gather his thoughts for the rest of it.

Not what she expected him to start with, but she nodded. "All right."

"And... thanks... for believing all of that good stuff about me. I'm glad someone does," Atton offered, "For what it's worth."

Why had he finished his drink so quickly? He could use it right now.

"But whether or not the good stuff is true, what's going on with me right now isn't about that," he said. "It's about how I was supposed to die on Malachor, and she didn't let me. And about how after that, I was supposed to go with her, she even told me that, and she didn't let me. She's dead, and I'm not, because she didn't let me, even though her percentage of good stuff vastly outstrips mine in any galaxy."

"And why do you think she didn't let you die?" Sia asked.

"For some reason, she thought I had potential," Atton said. "She thought I could start my life over, do something good."

A pause. He eyed his empty glass. "And I think she just didn't want to feel another Force bond snap in her life, honestly."

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